Good Grief, Snoopy

I thought I was acquainted with grief; had carried some sorrow; knew what to expect: the empty hole in the gut, setting the table for five when there were only four, finding glimpses of the my dad in the crowd, just around the bend, out of the corner of my eye. And then time passes and I look up into the sunshine six months later to discover that I feel strangely normal. But I was twelve then. Time passes differently for adults.

 

It's been nine months. I just thought of my mom for the first time today, another day when she won't be calling me on the phone. Let me check the time: it's already 9:47 AM. That's a record.  When I was young,  time crawled and I yearned for Christmas to come in July AND December.  Now time sprints to the finish line and I barely get the tree down before I have to put it up again.

 

So I asked my  husband to calculate for me. If a 12 year old feels some relief from grief in six months, how long would it take for a 55 year old? Would that be 12/6 = 55/x? Or am I grieving in dog years? He came up with 2 and one half years.

So here we are three months later, almost to the one year anniversary of my mother's death. I walk into my daughter's church feeling strangely normal. The zombie cloud that I have been walking in seems to have lifted this morning. I reach out and have a conversation. We start to sing the first song,

 When peace like a river attends my way,
 when sorrow like sea billows roll

 I can see my Dad singing his favorite song beside me; I can hear the song being sung at my mother's funeral.

 Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say,
"It is well, it is well with my soul." - (It is not.)

 The chorus: It is well (It is not)
                   With my soul (It is not)
                   It is well It is well
                   with my soul ( It is not)

One year down, one and a half to go. My parents' faith speaks to me through the song. I begin to be more thankful for the times we had and less insistent on willing the impossible first thing in the morning. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.